vanmega.com » home
Thursday, July 29, 2004
final night at the open mic...
Yup... it's wednesday night, as told by a couple of unsequencial random pics from the pool of 640 billion I snapped that night.
Such an insane jam session. Such a fuckload of guitar toting performers. Would you believe that a hillbilly / country and western version of Leftnutt performed... and owned the place? It was sooooooo hipster-whilst-backwoods AND the drummer played a powder blue suitcase as a bass drum. People were cheering and screaming and yelling and throwing frilly panties. Bands who swear and rhyme and are entertaining are so hot right now. I'm just doing my rock n' roll duty. Summer will come with Al Green and Iced Teas, etc.
elsewhere
kexp is brilliant | cord mag is glorious | rob 2 really should update
[ perma-link |
]
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Referer log posts are not the new hottness...
I'll be the first to admit that writing a post all about those ultra-zany search strings that people use and accedentally find your website with is wack.
I mean, come on... how many websites have filled posts with lines like, "OMGWTF Y'all(s) so crazy, who in thier right mind would search for '18th century paintings of tall guys in capri-pants'??!? LOL, to the power of 10!"... I assure you this post will not saunter into that kinda realm of suck - in fact - here at vanmega, we go a step further, helping all of you get to the bottom of and find whatever random gonzo crap you're looking for. We're, like, the most swell friend you can have on the interweb...
search string: "beauty in the breakdown song"
There's been huge hits on the site from people looking for more info about the song featured in the 'Garden State' movie teaser trailer. Kids, the song you're searching for is called "Let Go" by a group called Frou Frou. Frou Frou is a French collaboration project between producer Guy Sigsworth and female vocalist Imogene Heap. The song in question originally comes from the album, Details, realeased in 2002. Stop being a bandwagonist and just check out the entire album. It's crispy good and electronic fresh. Basically Frou Frou sounds like earlier Dido, but without the suck.
search string: "download and watch sprite remix commercial"
There is absolutely NO FUCKING REASON you need to download and watch a Sprite Remix commercial. Your life will not improve by doing this. You are aware that anything marketed with sassy urban puppets and with terms like "remix" are totally insulting to your inteligence as a consumer, right?
search string: "pictures of lindsay lohan's boobs"
Dear horny frat boys and catty serority girls, I do not have any pictures of Miss Lohan in a bikini for you to lear at or judge her by. However, this guy does. She's already starting to look worn out, yo.
search string: "pics of the red mile", "tennis players in bright panties pics", "free photos of jeri lee"
"here you go", "here you go", "here you go". Is your boss aware that you look at this crap all day?
search string: "scott baio haiku"
OMGWTF Y'all(s) so crazy, who in thier right mind would search for haiku's about Scott Baio??!? LOL, to the power of 10!
With that said, for your ass, here's my hastily composed attempt at a Scott Baio haiku:
You peaked in "Happy Days"
Yet banged 3 "Baywatch" babes
I am driven to drink
Like you could do better. Step up and click here to submit your own Scott Baio haiku.
elsewhere
joey the midwife is the greatest ever
[ perma-link |
]
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Me, Dave, Julie, Sock and The Sexratary went to the Calgary Folkfest on Saturday.
It wasn't as good as last year.
Or maybe it was, but I wasn't as organized.
By the time I got to the grounds, I had missed Wil's performance (which, I understand, was awesome), I had missed Michael Franti's performance (which, I understand, was awesome). Basically, through the purchase of my ticket, I paid a $25 cover charge to sit in the beer gardens and wilt in the +32 degree July sunshine.
That isn't really a bad thing, but last year's festival was brilliant. Between Ani Difranco, Buck 65, Blue Rodeo [mov], Sarah Harmer, Daniel Lanois, Elvis Costello, and million charming but obscure acts, I perpetually absorbed music for 3 days, where each moment in each performance superseded the last. This year, all I could do was gawk at the 45 year old closet hippies freaking out to music (aka interpretive dancing). PS: 45 year old hippies you really should cover up... no one wants to see your unteathered boobs, nor do we want to see your husbands lavish but groomed backhair.
::shudder::
elsewhere
black yellow black | someone buy me this | ashley girl
[ perma-link |
]
Thursday, July 22, 2004
My final call, my final bow...
Do you ever get so excited???... So excited, that all you can do is post a picture of your old roommate taking a pee off the backside of a deck while pointing at the North Star at twilight!??!
It's pretty rare that I get that excited, but dammit, this weekend I will. Dammit.
Fuck off, fuckers, it's my last weekend in this town. Let's all go out Saturday night, and paint the town red... black, and green, and then publically throw up on it all... and then deny all the sorted details... and then go for a light brunch in the morning. It's what those "hipsters" do in the big city. And the big city is where I'm moving (asap). Also, I'm really excited about the heavy debt loads... and the bustle which acompanies the hustle in said city.
Plans aren't finalized, but everyone's hot-to-go. Meaning... send me a text massage, or an email, if you're not already in the loop and let me know you're ready to get down this Saturday night. Plans will be electronically distributed in a timely fashion... but let's not kid ourselves... all details will revolve around flavored vodka, ill-fitting pants, and making asses of one's self (ie: you).
Respectfully yours,
ed vanmega
elsewhere
cord mag is the #1 | outrage = neat-o | sarsparilla refs vanmega
[ perma-link |
]
Dear children of the earth...
Man-o-man, I've never laid claim to being a 'Grade A' Fashionista, but hot-damn...
As I went around the town tonight TCB'ing (ie: Taking Care of [the] Business), I encountered no less than 7 (seven) (!) people wearing those bohemian-ish 3 strap Birkenstock sandals.
Considering I interacted with maybe 10 people tonight, that's a Birkenstock penetration ratio of 95.2 : 136!!!!!!!!!!! Good lord. (You do the math.)
Seriously.
I'm an easy going guy, and I strongly believe in the "whatever get's you through the night" school of living. But come on... let the stinky Jesus sandals go, y'all(s). I bought my first and last pair of Birk's about 10 years ago, and retired them 9 years ago. Hell, I think they stopped making those damned things 8 years ago.
No one hacky-sacks anymore, no one drives a Fiero anymore, and no one listens to Pearl Jam anymore... so get rid of those boarish leather strapped sandals... you're only fooling yourself, and really are about 16 seconds away from being a vice mag don't.
For the next week vanmega.com will be hosting a sandal amnesty. Send us your ashy, trashy, Birkenstocks; in exchange, and as a sign of brotherly goodwill, we'll send you a handgun or a can of beefaroni (you will be required to supply your own can opener and/or military grade ammunition).
Good night, God bless, and getouttahere.
elsewhere
the cord mag rock blog | bunny's guide to getting action | hotter
[ perma-link |
]
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
vanmega goes to the movies: part 2 of 2
Movie: Spiderman 2
Starting: Phil Spidermen, Kirsten Dunst, some dawson's creek styled rich kid, a Hitler looking dude, that guy from Chocolat, featuring an ugly and abrasive soundtrack headed up by Dashboard Confessional.
Rating: 77.7 / 100
At the risk of never-ever getting laid by the ladies, allow me to go on record saying I love Spiderman comic books... and animated cartoons, and the whole damn Spidey franchise. Always have an always will. It's well written and interesting, dammit.
Hollywood has this neat little tendency to completely butcher comic legends when they transpose it to the big screen (hello X-men!). Surprizingly, this isn't the case with Spiderman 2. They've actually done good here. The special effects are obviously good, the wardrobe & costumes are good, and the script is actually true to form. There's actual well planned character development here, Spidey's actually tormented physically and emotionally throughout... hell everyone's tormented throughout and everyone trys to cope and deal with it - and it comes off as believable and perhaps heartfelt, not commonly cheesy.
Now don't go screwing up Spiderman 3, what do you say Hollywood?
Also, I think after all these years, I might be getting a schoolboy crush on Kirsten Dunst. I can't figure this one out, as she's not my type of hype at all. Maybe it's her slightly crooked teeths? Hmmm...
related
You can watch 'Fahrenheit 9/11' online here, for free. A bit more weighty than the Anchor-Spider-man-a-mundo-combo. No disrespect to the jazz flute.
unrelated
official shotgun rules | play with bubble wrap | aj4a
[ perma-link |
]
Monday, July 19, 2004
vanmega goes to the movies: part 1 of 2
Movie: Anchorman
Starting: Will Ferrell, Kelly Bundy, Febie's boyfriend on Friends, Steve Carell of The Daily Show fame, some bald guy, Vince Vaughn, featuring cameos from 1 million billion other guys.
Rating: 67.5 / 100
When Will Ferrell started out on Saturday Night Live about 10 years ago, I remember him as "that tall annoying guy who yells a lot".
I mean, come on, he was bad.
But then as years passed, something happened, and homeboy really hit his stride. He spun the goofy / tall / abrasive shtick into something consistently hilarious. I thought this was impossible to do on SNL. The guy mastered his craft and his characters... it's totally impressive and clearly evident in his more recent work.
And that's why Anchorman is a bit of a let down.
With any other cast a movie like this would be good. But good isn't really good enough here. I mean, one way or another the cast of Old School is present throughout Anchorman. These guys have a track record of being wonderfully hilarious together, and yet this time, it seems like they're not hitting the mark. Some stuff is predictable... and it seems like Farrell was restrained at times. They really should have let him go off / overboard / nuts throughout the entire flick, letting his stride come to life. This is kinda strange - especially considering that Farrell co-wrote this thing.
With all this said, the movie is entertaining and does have it's moments. I might have been a bit jaded, as the commercial on tv gives away most of the major punchlines for the first 3rd of the movie. I read somewhere (the internet... totally credible) that a large number of scenes in the movie were improvised when filmed. That's pretty cool, son. Also, Steve Carell is fucking fantastic in this movie, playing a mildly retarded weatherman. He steals scenes like I stole your bike.
Keep in mind I know nothing about movies what-so-ever.
elsewhere
alien in 30 seconds | adam riff | tabs updated
[ perma-link |
]
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Background: The Calgary Stampede has been legitimately called the largest, wildest, party / event in North America with exception only to Marti Gras. This year, vanmega regulars Soy and Bubbles are working at the biggest Stampede bar in the city. The bar, which has a capacity of 5,000 people and a daily visitor flow-through of 20,000 people, is open to the masses 16 hours a day. Between the two boys, they're at the bar slinging drinks for your drunken asses every waking second throughout Stampede 2004.
Today, I perpetually and literally maintained a state of movement and motion for 13 hours for your drunken asses... this was beyond painful, beyond exhausting, and yielded about 3 trillion dollars in tips.
So clearly, today was a good day.
Also, today was my last day at the bar. Thank-fucking-God. Don't get me wrong, this last week was brilliant... but it was so draining. Manual work is for The Rock from the WWF chumps. The entire Stampede was thoroughly entertaining for me. I mean, I worked with some simpleton egomaniac fuck-face types, but also worked with just as many wonderfully positive and charming people who made the whole experience worth it. I dealt with countless drunk fuck-brain clients, but at the same time met just as many tourists who had never done the Stampede before and were genuinely overwhelmed and blown away by the whole experience. That kinda crap makes it totally worth it. Also, the gobs of tax-free cash I took home made it worth it too. In fact, for those locals who still can't figure out if it's a good idea to take time off work to go bartend etc over the Stampede, here are my final thoughts: You make really good money doing this stuff... but if you're more than 3+ years into your post-secondary career... you'll make more at the office job (and go to the bar and drink on your company's dime). But if you're a guy like me, and about 15 days away from moving to a new city and currently not working... this gig is a fucking blessing. Even if you do have to put up with having a Dixie Chicks cover band perform 2 feet away from your bar 3 times a day.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or, perhaps, put that in your beer bong and chug it.
Next year, I'm gonna organize a "van-pede" which will have nothing to do with the Stampede, nor country music, or the rodeo. Everyone will take a week off work, get shitfacefuckingwasted, listen to indie rock, wear paper mache hats, and drink flavored vodka. People are you ready?? Get up, and get down.
elsewhere (fun with flash)
99 rooms | bikini bounce | ming the merciless
[ perma-link |
]
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Background: Calgary, in its entirety, has shut down for the Stampede. The Calgary Stampede has been legitimately called the largest, wildest, party / event in North America with exception only to Marti Gras. This year, vanmega regulars Soy and Bubbles are working at the biggest Stampede bar in the city. The bar, which has a capacity of 5,000 people and a daily visitor flow-through of 20,000 people, is open to the masses 16 hours a day. Between the two boys, they're at the bar slinging drinks for your drunken asses every waking second throughout Stampede 2004.
A couple of shifts have passed since the last update... I still haven't seen Bubbles since he went home mid-shift. Hmmmm...
Today's shift didn't have me catering to tub tarts, but rather had me behind the bar slinging drinks with 2 other dudes. (sidebar: I can't believe I just used the word "dude"... what am I trapped in 1990?) Despite the fact that I had minimal interaction female staff today, I still applied the "What Would Carpet Do?" mantra, with wreckless success. That is, I spent my time goofing / joking around with the boys behind the bar screaming crap like "pimps up, ho's down!" and going on tirades about the importance of "keepin' it real". Either way, me and the boys got along swimmingly, poured 6 trillion drinks for the drunken masses, and took time to enjoy the little things such as Miss Hawaiian Tropic, and half-hourly rounds of Jack and Cola.
Also, Julie came down for a corporate function and kicked it at our bar for a while too. Clearly, this was totally pleasing, however, I was a bit concerned that she introduced me to her co-workers / bosses as "Soy". I mean yeah, it's my nickname, used 98% of the time by everyone... but I've got this sneaking suspicion that corporate world shouldn't be mixed with my "Soy" persona. But whatevs... they were friendly, tipped well, and devoured half a bottle of Jager in 10 minutes. Bless.
elsewhere
crap, I'm bagged | my feet really hurt | why is my hand swollen?
[ perma-link |
]
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Background: Calgary, in its entirety, has shut down for the Stampede. The Calgary Stampede has been legitimately called the largest, wildest, party / event in North America with exception only to Marti Gras. This year, vanmega regulars Soy and Bubbles are working at the biggest Stampede bar in the city. The bar, which has a capacity of 5,000 people and a daily visitor flow-through of 20,000 people, is open to the masses 16 hours a day. Between the two boys, they're at the bar slinging drinks for your drunken asses every waking second throughout Stampede 2004.
Bubbles finally broke down and took a day off. Apparently, yesterday's 20 hour work day killed him, and when he came back to work today with about 3 hours sleep under his belt, he looked around, and said "fuckit", and went home for a rest. We'll both be back at the well first thing tomorrow morning.
Here are a few observations I've made while working:
- Slobbering drunk does not equal sexy. No, it doesn't. We're all very happy that you've hooked up with someone, but grinding and making out against my bar and putting your hands down each other's wranglers is NOT hot. Get outta here and get it on in someone's apartment. Unless you’re from out of town... in that case, you might as well go for yours!
- Yes ma'am, you can grope my arms as I serve you a beer, however, I will insist you leave me a reasonable tip. Like Tina Turner, I'm a dancer for money... if you know what I'm sayin'.
- When Johnny P actually gets out of the town he lives in, he lets his hair down and drinks and dances and prances. It's a beautiful thing. Really. I'm not kidding.
- There are only two types of drunk older men during the Stampede (1) bitter, (2) euphoric like a kid at a rave. These are the guys who will periodically throughout the night hand a tub girl $20 "for being such an angel", and then hand me $20 "for taking such good care of her". ::shrug::
- Anyone who gets genuinely excitable when the DJ throws on You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC on is a total fucking dork.
elsewhere
witz.org | catherine's pita |ewwwww, etc.
[ perma-link |
]
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Background: Calgary, in its entirety, has shut down for the Stampede. The Calgary Stampede has been legitimately called the largest, wildest, party / event in North America with exception only to Marti Gras. This year, vanmega regulars Soy and Bubbles are working at the biggest Stampede bar in the city. The bar, which has a capacity of 5,000 people and a daily visitor flow-through of 20,000 people, is open to the masses 16 hours a day. Between the two boys, they're at the bar slinging drinks for your drunken asses every waking second throughout Stampede 2004.
While Bubbles has been working non-stop since the doors opened on Friday, yesterday was my first shift. I really had no idea what to think. From what I was told, things were pretty lawless and hectic. I only had 2 goals, (1) not to fuck up royally, (2) get some decent tips. Once I got there and got going I actually ended up having a shit-load of fun. I mean, come on, my job was basically to tend to 3 specific girls who were working tubs in the tent. All 3 girls were completely pretty and perhaps mildly drunk - oh - and two of them were twins, Basil, twins. Sometimes, I forget how pleasing the little things can be.
I tried a few different approaches to dealing with the girls, but figured out quickly that the best approach was to constantly ask myself "What would Carpet do?". Using the WWCD shtick, I spent about 6 hours of my 12 hour shift charming the girls with a constant comedy routine, spotting each girl as they chose to dance on the bar a la Coyote Ugly, and finally, frequently telling the girls they were dreamy and then hugging them and then asking for a high 5. The girls loved me, and I'm 95% certain they’re interested in having my babies. Well, that's what I kept telling myself as I tried to stop from going insane from exhaustion at 4am (Hey, there was actually a fuck-load of work to do in between rounds of shooters).
As for Bubbles, I understand he continues to work double shifts (ie: about 16 – 20 hours a day). He's going loony and has lost all feeling in his legs, but every night he takes a wheelbarrow of money home. He then creepishly spoons with that money in his bed.
We'll be back at the "office" first thing tomorrow morning... come visit.
sidebar
happy birfday homeboy! | happy birfday saskgirl!
[ perma-link |
]
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Jon Bon Jovi is a mullet-having lightweight. I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all.
Want proof? Here's a video clip [mpeg 1.5]
Tonight's open mic was uber-entertaining. Sheri was away, 96% of the performers were male... and surprizingly accomplished players. It turned into a round robin, battle royal, of hipster boy guitarists. Things got crazier than new and improved SPRITE REMIX... and I walked away with $60 cash.
Zing is the new touche.
elsewhere
lego spiderman | other mixtapes | calgary stampede: 1 year ago
[ perma-link |
]
Monday, July 05, 2004
The summer is a strange little mistress... yes, she's chock full of sass and sunshine, but makes everyone do the stupidest of things in epic proportions. Without fail, every year as July hits, common sense is happily thrown out of the window in exchange for even just one brainless day of +30 degree weather. We'll spend all winter eating and acting right, but we'll jump the second Mother Nature gives us the chance to throw on a pair of board shorts... only to hop in a convertible Mustang, blasting Modest Mouse, while we eat extra greasy cheese burgers as we're all driven to some watering hole de jour to knock back a plethora of paint-can sized summery pimms-y / corona-y / slushy / minty / boozy drinks de jour.
What's not to love?
There's not a single complaint to be made about my weekend. Yes, bunch of the boys hopped on a plane and tore up vancouver for 3 days. Yes, it was vanmega insanity as per usual, rich with one-liners and infinite laughter. Yes, we collectively spent 100,001$. Yes, red bull and jauger was worth 8.75$ a round. Yes, Bubbles' hotel was far too lavish. Yes, Ivana Santilli owned the Commodore Ballroom with her funky/sexy band-geekery on Thursday night. Yes, Leo spent all of Friday morning on Kits Beach dive-tackling passing pigeons. Yes, we made a mockery of a big fancy night club VIP room. Yes, everyone in the crowded VIP room saw the humor in Carpet's constant attempts of jumping into a 3 point stance every 20 seconds. Yes, there is no possible way to get bored of the view off Bridge's waterfront patio. Yes, I will try to teach myself how to shimmy on the dance floor for the next 30 minutes. Yes, chicken fingers can be an elegant meal. Yes, I am a paying guest of this hotel. Yes, Rob2 is a trained Salsa dance instructor. Yes, my head, left arm, and both shins hurt. Yes, that is guacamole (I hope). Yes, Doran looks a lot like Matt Good these days. And yes, Soy CAN NOT wait to perma-move back to vancouver in less than a month. Bring it on, summer madness (although, please note I personally, will go into hiding / detox for the rest of the month, just to recover from the last 4 days).
Click here to check out photos from the weekend.
elsewhere
scenestars | the history behind the 4th of july | robot insurance
[ perma-link |
]
![vanmega [v5] : what's a wamp wamp?](http://www.vanmega.com/index_files/full_header.jpg)
